Novice Journal

A little this – a little that!

Anti-Superman Enthusiast

on November 21, 2011

My tough kid take on a super hero I don’t really care for. Sorry to all of you Superman fans out there! 

I am the unofficial head of the SMAP initiative. SMAP (I wish it spelled out SLAP) stands for Superman Awareness Program. My many colleagues and I are out to smite and destroy that villain in blue-and-red disguise, and free the human population from their adoration of such a lame “hero.” Over 50% of America alone is under his control.Though you are welcome to join the program’s ranks, please do not attempt to run for SMAP vice president: I’ve already appointed Batman to that position. In case you’re undecided about signing up, here are a few things I find potently unnerving about this particular space visitor:

He is not human.
How can he just get a job so easily and take money that’s not his with a clean conscience? Does Superman even have a conscience?! He KILLS people. He has no right to take lives that aren’t even of his race. Yes, Silver Surfer isn’t human either, but he doesn’t leach off of the human population! He gives us a good amount of space. Superman won’t go. GO HOME, SUPERMAN. Batman is human, and even he has the good sense to restrain himself from going on killing sprees.

He has a lame weakness.
Kryptonite? Kryptonite?! Is this a joke? It makes it both incredibly hard for his more innocent enemies to take him down (how many old ladies carry kryptonite around in their purses?), and all too easy for his more nefarious enemies to destroy him. All Lex Luthor (SMAP’s treasurer) has to do is go on a little heist to track some down. Big deal.

His hair is unnatural
The curly-q? Really? Um, whose hair stays mega perfect all the time, even when he’s flying through the air? Not human hair! And when it rains, his hair still looks perfect. Maybe he’s overdosing on the hairspray. If so, then all whales hate him, and he’s ruining the earth. NATURE KILLER!

He can’t dress himself, and his disguise is a joke.
Underwear on the outside of his spandex. If you’re gonna reverse your layers, at least make everything the same color. The speedo/underwear combo stands out! AHHH! (Yes, I know a lot of superheroes do this…because Superman started the trend though!) Then there’s his “civilian look.” Glasses on, glasses off. Um, NO! I can tell the difference, infants can tell the difference, mad chinchillas can tell the difference. Batman wears a mask…at night…a black one. He’s like a spandex chameleon. In fact, that should be his other super name. Yeah, Vice-President Spandex Chameleon.

He is a spy.
Yeah, right his little “planet” got destroyed. I bet you that all of the people Superman killed were innocent. He staged everything in order to destroy the people between him and world domination. Once he gets to a certain point, he’s going to call down all the other Supermen, and they will attack the Earth. Classic alien takeover. My sister gave me recent intel that his plan is to wait until Lane dies, then summon an apocalypse. Speaking of which, Lane had a kid, but not with him. If he’s so perfect, why’d she roam off with another dude? There’s obviously flaws that have been kept a secret.

He can’t choose a power.
Most supers specialize in something. Lightning, strength, smarts, fire, ice, whatever. But Superman has…all of them? Choose one! Without more old ladies carrying kryptonite to count on, we are doomed! He never had to make a hard choice. He can do it all.

So please, take that sappy stuff back home, Superman, along with your pride, your alienness, your odd hair, your red panties, and your sun charge battery. Take it home, and please don’t bring it back.

As SMAP president, I pledge to provide every home with one stick of kryptonite. Together we can take down this neighborhood menace.


2 responses to “Anti-Superman Enthusiast

  1. wordcoaster says:

    Yes! I’ve never liked Superman–I always root for the underdog. In Superman’s case that makes the underdog the “villain”.

    • mjray926 says:

      I always root for the underdog too! Since everyone is rooting for one character, I tend to root for their nemesis, just to even the score 🙂 Thanks for stopping by, wordcoaster!

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