Novice Journal

A little this – a little that!

My Dying Breath

on January 7, 2012

I was challenged with the question – “what do you want your life to look like after you’ve passed away? What do you want to look back on?” (Yeah, that’s two questions, but whatever.) So true to form, I wrote a poem about it.

My Dying Breath: 

When my last breath comes

Like a rush

When I sip my last taste of this Earthly air

I wish to…

Have no regrets of staying put

Of distant chances I never took

Of losing myself to the ways of a crook

In shame’s soot

Have endless peace inside of me

A longing for Heaven, and finally free

Of accomplishing my any and every dream

Filled with glee

Think back to the days when I was afraid

And feeling relieved with the choices I’ve made

Reminiscing to all of the souls that I’ve saved

And be amazed

Thank everyone who’s ever entered my life

Even if not in words, just a thanks in my mind

And be at peace since they know I am fine

I did right

Love endlessly and open my heart up to all

Look fear in the eye and dare not dissolve

Be content with all my high points and downfalls

I’ll stand tall

My last breath goodbye will bear only one tear

That tear I’d be saving, and shaping each year

It’d roll down my cheek, and to you it’d appear

I am near

Author’s Note: The ending to the poem came as a sort of “hope” from me to whomever I’d give this poem to. As in, the tear is my entire life, with all it’s ups and downs, challenges and accomplishments. After thinking some about who I’d give this poem to, I chose my young self – standing at the starting line of life. Plus, I’d give this to anyone who just needs a little hope in their life. 🙂 

Peace,

Ray

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38 responses to “My Dying Breath

  1. Heather Whitley Gibson says:

    Great post! If your not already following my page, feel free to follow at my new and updated blog at http://tigergroves.wordpress.com Thank you!

  2. This is beautiful. It makes me think of the way we should be living our lives every day instead of getting caught up in the mundane. Thanks.

  3. HT Sundance says:

    I’ll just start by saying that nothing I say here is negative, per se. You’re a lovely poet; I just want to see more.

    The subject you chose to write on here is a little cliche. It’s been done over and over again. Don’t get me wrong, it’s moving and it will naturally attract pleasant comments and attention, but I also think that rests heavily on the audience it hits. If that’s your aim, you’re right on target, but from me personally—from one writer to another—I’d love to see more.

    I’m not an expert on poetry. I don’t know terms of what’s called what and the similarities between you and other authors, but I do know what looks and sounds good (sort of). You generally use the same structure for all the poetry I’ve read from you. Four lines to a stanza, a rhyme, dash, next stanza. There’s nothing wrong with that, but like I said before, I’d love to see MORE. Mix it up, don’t be afraid if not everyone gets it. Express yourself and who you are—not what you think people want to see.

    While I can plainly see that you have a very poetic mind and you’re great at this, I still don’t know who YOU are as a writer. Like this piece; it’s beautiful and heartfelt, but so are Hallmark cards, you know? I want to see something that I can read and say to myself “This is unique; this is what Ray is all about.” I haven’t seen that yet.

    Anyways, hope I didn’t seem harsh there. Looking forward to more. 🙂

    • mjray926 says:

      I completely understand what you’re saying. Most of my poems are very similar and “safe” in structure and you want me to branch out and find who I am as a poet and/or a writer.

      First off, as my blog name suggests, I am a novice at writing, so any constructive criticism is welcome so that I may improve. Thank you, HT Sundance! I will try to compose some more “unique-to-me” pieces in the future (although, understand that it may take a while for me to come up with something I feel is good enough to be posted.) It is easy for me to over think and over explain things, for fear that I am the only person who would get it otherwise. It’s going to take a lot for me to branch out!

      But as for the subject, know that I didn’t post it for “likes” and comments. I didn’t post it to lure attention, or to get a bunch of people to feel drawn to my blog. Since I’m working to post every day this year, it’s hard to come up with something super amazing 366 times in a row, you know? So there are some days when I may post something I find incredible, but others might just be “average Joe’s” so to speak. I chose to write this poem and post it up because that’s what was on my mind, and frankly, that’s normally what I post up in my “journal” or sorts. What’s on my mind. 🙂

      So thank you again for this constructive criticism. I know you’re just trying to help. Just know that it’s probably going to take me a long while to reach those standards you’ve listed. But I hope someday, I will!

      Have a great rest of the week!
      -Ray

      • HT Sundance says:

        Don’t worry about it, I totally understand. I try to post just as often (although today I just was too busy), and you can’t always inspire everyone everyday. 😛

        Just don’t be afraid of failing, you know? I’ve always liked this quote: “Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.”

        Just go for it and see what people think. I think you sell yourself short. 🙂

      • mjray926 says:

        Thanks again, HT Sundance, I will keep that in mind! That’s such an excellent quote! 🙂

  4. michael says:

    Very good poem. Wonderful and melodic in its cadence, and I love the shortness of the fourth line of each stanza. It leaves an almost-breathlessness, a gasp or hesitation, the feeling of waiting for something, some word that won’t come or dare be said. Beautiful.

    The only gripe I had while reading was in the tenses in some of the lines. (I felt the poem was a little off by the inclusion of the ‘-ing’ on the end of some verbs.) But, other than that, fantastic work!

    • mjray926 says:

      Thanks for the kind words. It’s very interesting that you pointed out the “ing”s to be unnecessary. I put them in thinking that I needed more syllables. It might have been me trying to make it sound a bit “fuller,” so to speak. Thanks for pointing it out though. It really helps!

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